Preparing for
Difficult Conversations

By Dr. Ellen Choi

“Authentic conversation” refers to mutual attempts to be honest and disclose potentially risky thoughts and feelings. At work, and in life, this is often a difficult proposition for many people to the extent that even the potential for conflict elicits a stress response. One response that receives less attention than the more well-known fight/flight/freeze reactions is fawning. Fawning is a stress reaction where individuals aim to please others or strive to appear likable, even at the cost of their own needs and goals. This, perhaps unsurprisingly, leads to anxiety and resentment. Given that authentic relationships can result in deeper connections and greater efficiencies that support both performance at work as well as relationship satisfaction, learning to more skillfully navigate conflict is a worthwhile endeavor.  

Preparing for Difficult Conversations 

Just like an athlete prepares for competition, learning to engage a mindset that supports conflict resolution is an important element of the process. One technique for preparing for conflict is to engage in practices that bring the parasympathetic nervous system back online in order to support cognitive flexibility and curiosity (as opposed to defensiveness and judgment). Breathwork, meditation, exercise, singing, and tapping are all effective ways to self-regulate.   

An additional consideration when preparing for authentic conversations is how to balance the tug of war between the “should self” and the “essential self”.  A great deal of professionalism requires the “should self” to take priority, which can leave one feeling like they need to minimize their own needs and desires. If you’ve ever felt guilty for asking for what you need or if you’ve ever chosen to stay quiet to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings, then you have met your “should self”. Learning to allow the “essential self” to join a conversation requires a willingness to examine old beliefs, a supportive culture that encourages honesty, and a great deal of self-awareness. 

Having Difficult Conversations 

Having a roadmap to follow can be very helpful in stressful situations. A reputable model highly regarded for its foundation on both empathy and self-advocacy in conflict resolution is Dr. Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC).  

NVC involves four components:  

1. Observation – describing the situation (“What I notice…”) 
2. Feelings – naming how the situation makes you feel (“…makes me feel”) 
3. Needs/Values – articulating why this situation is important (“…because I value/need…”) 
4. Request – a direct ask that moves parties towards greater understanding or resolution (“Would you be willing to….”).
     

Longer Term Strategies 

Ideally, with time and practice, authentic conversations can reach a point where all parties can communicate to understand each other and find ways their needs can be fulfilled. Conflict can be less awkward and difficult when the relational health between the parties involved is not strained. The concept of a “Relational Bank Account” is helpful as some behaviours act as “withdrawals”, like inconsistency, blame, failure to give recognition, jumping to conclusions, total task-orientation, defensiveness, poor follow-through, and resentment. Conversely, “deposits” include repair attempts, self-disclosure, relational orientation, appreciating the whole person, validation and empathy, clarifying expectations, inspiration, accountability, and integrity. Beginning to observe the behavioral patterns in relationships can help bring awareness to the health of the relationship, and if there are too many withdrawals, it may be time to start proactively depositing some positive relational capital to better withstand difficult conversations when they arise.