Managing Challenging
Conversations

Pre-Game: Preparing for Conflict  

Examine Implicit Beliefs 

Many people hold beliefs that conflict is bad, scary, and to be avoided at all costs. Others may find that in conflict, they are prone to take no prisoners and defend, blame, attack and criticize their opponent until the battle has been won. Not surprisingly, neither approach described here is optimal. To upskill your ability to fly smoothly through turbulent relations, an important first step is to examine what underlying beliefs you hold about conflict. Perhaps you don’t want to be a burden, fear offending another, or don’t want to appear needy/annoying/demanding etc. Perhaps conflict just makes you nervous altogether because it falls outside of your understanding of safety or your identity/leadership style. Notice, accept, and understand these beliefs that you hold, and then tuck them gently away in your pocket and embrace a new belief that will serve you. Suggestions include “I am safe”, “I can handle this”, “conflict leads to understanding”, or “I value truth over niceness”.  

Get Grounded

Prepare your nervous system by engaging in whatever practice helps you be more grounded, present, curious and receptive to influence. Meditate, practice gratitude (“thank you for each and every encounter”), walk amongst the trees, cold plunge, or do 35 rapid burpees. With intention, enter the conversation with an openness to be changed by the conversation and if you notice you are very attached to your agenda or a particular outcome, you may consider executing a few more burpees.  

Game Time: Strategies for Managing Conflict 

1. Listen – Pay attention to the words, feelings, and needs of the other; manage the mental chatter that prevents you from hearing clearly; and attune to the dynamic that emerges between people.
2. Find Common Ground – Commit to establishing a mutual purpose or desired outcome. You may also want to agree on what you do not want to discuss or topics that are off-limits.
3. Keep it Safe – Watch out for fight/flight/freeze behaviours in yourself and others (e.g., criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, condescension, repeating oneself, catastrophizing, minimizing, snarling etc.) and if/when they appear, use validating techniques that mirror back what you are seeing and sensing to demonstrate that you care to understand and care for the needs of all parties. If you notice you are unable to do this for others, then you may be in fight/flight/freeze mode and it may serve you to pause and set a time to reconvene.
4. Manage Emotions – Emotions often become intense when we feel that our sense of self is being challenged. This can happen when we start to worry that others see us as incompetent, morally wrong, or unlikable.¹ When strong emotions come up, whether in yourself or others, take a moment to think about what might be triggering that feeling and try to use calming words to ease the situation.
5. Stay on Course – Have a list of intrusive questions or disruptive statements top-of-mind so that you can apply them when the conversation begins to go in circles. My personal favourites are “what about this is really important to you?”, “it looks like we’re off track – what do you need from me right now”, and “it seems like I’m not understanding you – what do you need me to hear?”  

Post-Game: Soothing After Conflict 

Conflict can be stressful. In fact, the more you care, the more stressful it may be making conflict resolution ever more critical of a skill to hone. As you practice having hard conversations, you may benefit from a closing ritual where you can complete the stress cycles and let go of any residual angst from the exchange. One exercise that helps release the energy of big feelings like anger and fear is physically shaking the energy off your arms and legs, before relaxing and calming your body. Yelling, screaming, beating a pillow with a tennis racquet, or physical exercise are other ways to help release excess energy. Indeed, shaking is what animals do after a flight/fight state in the wild. 

Closing Thoughts 

Clean relationships are those where there is a fair, open, and balanced exchange between people.² In contrast, messy relationships are filled with resentments that build up when needs or expectations aren’t communicated. It’s important to maintain clear and honest relationships with those we live and work with—not just for better work outcomes, but also because strong relationships are linked to a longer, healthier life.

References

1. Stone, D., Patton, B., & Heen, S. (2023). Difficult conversations: How to discuss what matters most. Penguin Books, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC.
2. Lighthorse, P. (2019). Boundaries & Protection. Soulodge Ranch, LLC.